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Guide to: Surviving a Horror Movie

Your favourite blogger is back – and with another guide! If you haven’t read my first article: you can find it here #shamelessPlug

After watching characters make the stupidest mistakes in horror movies and yelling at them through my screen like this, Image

I have now decided to take matters into my own hands, and create a guide should you ever find yourself stuck in a horror movie. Image

1. Whatever you do – DO NOT SPLIT UP!


There’s always this one idiot friend that suggests splitting up to find out what’s wrong – feel free to punch this friend directly in the face, knocking them unconscious to prevent any further stupid suggestions.

2. Stay away from everything paranormal – spells, rituals, ouija boards. Nothing good can come from them, ever. You are not Dora the explorer. Do not try to explore anything from the after life.


Lets stay away from cemeteries, abandoned houses, and creepy shit in general and let’s stay alive. ¡Vamonos!

3. If you hear sounds do not go to “investigate” what it is. You are not a detective; in fact, the girls on Pretty little liars are probably better detectives than you.


Yeah…I know and they suck and you are worse than this. So stfu and get out of the house.

4. When you hear sounds, do not say “Hello???” This ain’t no phone call. The killer isn’t going to say “yeah, I’m over here in the kitchen, would you like a sandwich?” (This is when you have a REAL problem – carbs = satanic)


5. It’s 2014 – we all have cell phones. Use it. 


Use your phones to call 911; and while waiting for them to arrive use the GPS feature on your phone to find your way around and find a place to hide. Unless you have an iPhone, then abandon all hope because apple maps is useless – you’re on your own.

5. If you have managed to contact the police – do not get your hopes up. Imagine all the police officers have been trained by Rosewood Police Department and are therefore, incompetent and will probably end up getting killed. If this happens, steal their weapons.

6. Always have multiple weapons on you. Guns are great, but you will eventually run out of bullets so keep a knife and/or bat handy. PS. a lamp is NOT a weapon. Don’t even bother hitting the killer over the head with a lamp. It won’t work – pick up a table instead.

7. Don’t have sex.


Crazed killers really don’t like couples and something bad ALWAYS happens. So, keep it in your pants.

ya nasty

#teamforeveralone is the team that will SURVIVE.

8. If your child starts to act really weird, and starts talking about seeing dead people – put that kid up for adoption ASAP. And flee the country.


“The kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid is not my son.” You can always make new babies when you are SAFE. Refer to #7 for clarification.

9. RUN!!


10. When you trip and fall – and you WILL, don’t sit there nursing your wounded body part, SUCK IT UP AND KEEP IT MOVING.


11. If your friend is injured/stabbed/dying – don’t try to save them. They’re as good as dead already, leave them and continue running. #1lessproblemwithoutyou


Screw what Drake says – you can always make new friends.

12. Don’t trust anyone. The killer could be ANYONE. Your best friend, your boyfriend, the cop that was “dead” (refer to #5.5,) the kid that doesn’t even go here, your goldfish. TRUST NO ONE.


13. Check the backseat of the car before you get inside.


9 times outta 10 you’ll find the killer just chillin’ there like:


14. Don’t get into cars with strangers. (Le DUH!)

photo 1

Seems legit.

14.5 Don’t pick up strangers either. #strangerdanger When a stranger asks for a ride…


15. When it comes to the killer #YOLO is a lie.


The killer NEVER dies the first time. Shoot him, burn him, put his ashes into a bag, and launch that bag into outer space. And he’s probably STILL not dead.


Wait until he gets up – kill him again.

16. If all else fails – play dead. 

play dead

Follow these tips and you can survive any horror movie situation you’re put in. That’s all for me. Toodalo mothafuckaaaaas!

xo signed,

your favorite.



3 Comments on Guide to: Surviving a Horror Movie

  1. Lydia D'souza // June 23, 2014 at 5:05 pm // Reply

    This is soo hilarious and so true. I wish horror movie directors took some advice from this instead of making cliche movies about stupid ways to get killed.

  2. Lol everything u said was soo true especially number 1

  3. This was hilarious. Haha I’m definitely going to send this to my friends 😛

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